Missing You..........

As I sit here and right this, words cannot express how I feel. I lost a friend September 11, 2009. The pain that I feel is deep, and I keep questioning what happen, and why. Kaneesha Mallard was a beautiful girl. She was full of life, and love to laugh. She was a great friend, and an amazing confidant we had fun together. There was never a dull moment when she was around. I remember when I first met Kaneesha I remember thinking I like this girl, she’s very real. This morning I got a phone call that broke my sprits, and turned my life completely around.
I feel bad, why is it another mother must bury her child? This is not a natural way of life. In life when all is going wrong we think “what else can go wrong,” things are supposed to go from bad to good, but this is something different, someone took her life way to early, and don’t realize the pain that they inflicted on her friends, and family. I never thought that I will feel the burden of a friends death, but thinking did not help. The pain will stay with me for the rest of my life, but I will remember to smile every time I think about her, every time I hear her name. I am tired of the violence it is time for a change, I must be that change, if I don’t want to lose anymore friends to early, and mourn another death. I feel sick to my stomach right now, and the feeling will not get any better, it will just get worse as things unfold.
Her life was so precious, why couldn’t they see that? Why couldn’t they see who she was? Why did they not care? Who could do such a thing, take a sister, a daughter, a friend? Sometimes we don’t realize how important the little moments or, we have to learn to cherish the seconds, minutes, hours, and days that we share with our love ones. Time well spent with people we love, that is what make our lives rich, not how much money we have, our the material things we pose, but the love we share for each other I will never recover from this, I just learnt, that time is not promise. We have to express our love for the ones that are here, and remember the ones we lost. There will always be a void in our group of friends, because we lost someone very dear to us. Love you Girl.

The More We Know

Two weeks ago, I had an amazing experience. I went to church; I have been raised in the church as long as I can remember, before I was even thought of. My mother had grown up with a on a strict, and loving Christian foundation. It was always fun to go to church, everyone would get all dolled up, and be as sharp as they possible could. People would catch the Holy Spirit, and I would laugh not knowing what a serious connection it was between god, and that person. The older people of the church would scold and direct the children not to laugh, because those people were only “Getting happy” and they were in the safest arms that ever could hug them. As I got older and started to develop a personality I found truth in other religions, Buddhism was interesting, I start to learn more about the old age religions, and even look up information on Islam. I believe the more I know each religion, the more I could understand, and gain knowledge from them as a whole. I have always had a fascination with history, and investigating the past has become one of my hobbies.
I have found out that Christianity is not the religion of my ancestors, and have learnt that we were controlled to take on the religion of the slave holders. I have also learnt that in pre-colonial times we were spiritual people, and believed that we were connected to the earth as a whole. That is what I believe I have great respect for the Christian religions, all religions for that matter, but I also believe that we have to be in touch with our inner selves to become better people. We have to be our own gods, and allow ourselves to be open and, willing to new vessels of power. We must communicate to each other that we are not about destruction, and anguish, but our about peace and a better being. We must learn to accept, and tolerant other people choices, and other people decisions on the journey of life. I once heard “You have to take the good with the bad,” which means that you cannot just experience one side, and be genuinely happy.
So we must learn about each other, and educate each other, only them will we start to accomplish the goals that we have been working so hard for we have to reach, and continue to reach, until are arms are tried, and we are drain from the fight. We must continue to fight we must continue to strive for a better future, I took a visit to my little cousin elementary school the other day, and I felt a joy, I seen the future, and knew that they were going to be a bright future. We must educate and invest in education that’s the only way out of the mess that we are in now.

The Satisfaction of Doing What I Love.

Tonight I performed; I performed at showcase night At the John and Jean Knox Center for the Performing Arts. The experience made me realize why I wanted to choose writing as a career choice. The satisfaction I gained from written my own poem, and then performing my pieces in front of people gave me insight to my dreams. The power of communicating with people through the pen, and the paper is an uplifting feeling that I cannot explain. I didn’t know if I really wanted to do it, but I thought, what could possible go wrong. I decided to do perform, and I am very glad I did. I could communicate my feelings, without feeling venerable to any one’s criticisms. I felt the abundant feelings of joy, happiness, nervousness, and anxiousness, but through all my emotions I got the job done. It made me realize that I can do anything I really put my mind to. It is just me that put the limitations on me. Sometimes I am afraid of laughter, even though I use it as a front for my normal human emotions, such as sadness, embarrassment, and doubtfulness, I too am afraid to be laugh at. I am started to realize that whatever I do if I am serious, passionate, and committed to it, people around me will support my decisions. Journalism is my major, and I love it, I just don’t know if I’ve been devoting my time to working on perfecting my craft, even though perfection is an illusion. I must practice to become better. I love working story and spreading the news, it is what I am passionate about, written and articulating through words. I often stress to people do what you love, do what you want to do every day, you wake up and it makes you happy, if so do it. I am going to image that I can do anything beyond measure and envision the best that I could be, then strive to meet that goal. My experience of performing has opened me up to a new world, a new beginning, and a new me. It has helped me to realize that I am going to continue to do what I love to do. I cannot fool myself anymore I must put my love first and put my social life second and become what I channel to be everyday, and that is great. We are what we think we are, and I am going to be the omega and say that I will follow my dreams at any expense, at any tribulation, and at any triumph, I will continue to strive for excellence and be a role model to those, who will succeed me. I will not just be a lasting memory, but I will be a legend. I am happy I performed to night it made me want to do what I love to do. I have experienced something that has become me, and I will exercise my abilities in it. I will like to share one of the poems I shared with the audience tonight.
Saviors by Lamar James
We are saviors of ourselves. We are the saviors of the world. We must practice humane traits, and outstanding abilities. We must be able to carry extra weight in our race, grabbing the hands of our brothers and sisters, pulling them forward as we climb, saving them. That is why we are the saviors, utilizes the blessing, and spread the truth. We must start to believe we are the saviors.
Thank you, for letting me share my poem with everyone it is really a blessing.

Is It Hard

Life in general can be a rigorous set of events. Sometimes people are privileged, and are born into wealth, and sometimes people are not as fortunate. I can remember a conversation that I had with one of my friend’s mom. We were talking about how sometimes life can get so difficult that we feel like giving up. I told her I had, had a lot of those moments when I was younger, rather it was a very intolerant kid who teased me about my sexuality, or if it was not walking the stage in my high school graduation. Some time in my life I felt like giving up. She knew that I was gay, and asked me “Is it hard living as a gay man.” Me being who I am, a person who does not like to have a pity party I jokingly told her “No it’s really not, you should try it sometimes.” We both laughed, I was doing with I always did when a situation got heavy and thick, I made a joke out of something that was serious. The “No” that I gave her was a lie; in fact it is really hard living as a gay man. With the intolerant attitudes of people, and homophobic slurs, it could be really hurtful sometimes. I mean I did not choose to live a gay life it is something that has always been a part of me apart of my essence, my being. One of the things that is really hard is not finding love. I think everyone should experience love, but me I have never known what it felt like to be in love, which is different from a friend or a family member loving you. 80 percent of the guys that I know are heterosexual; it’s kind of hard having friends that are hetero centric, the reason being sometimes I can feel a deeper connection to them and like them, but I know that I will never have a chance because of them being hetero. It’s sad because I grow these feelings for someone knowing that if I ever express those feelings I will be rejected in the worse of ways. Another hard thing about being gay is that I am not accepted by the black community, for being who I am, and I am not accepted by the gay community, because they say that I am white washed, and not black enough which is a insult to me and what I am trying to stand up for. The other 20 percent of guys that I know who are gay only want one thing, and don’t want to be in a serious relationship which I am totally against; I will not be used for the pleasure of someone else. Sometimes I feel that my family might be a embarrassed about me so I shy away from them, because I don’t want them to feel like I am bringing them done on account of my gayness. I know a lot of people, and even so I am still lonely at the end of the day. Sometimes I think I will die a lonely man who has never had anyone to love them which is really sad, again I am not try to gain a pity party just trying to rely the message to my friends mom that it is in fact hard to be gay. Unlucky in love and unlucky in life this is my gift and my curse of some sort, a gift because I can help other people out who are going through similar struggles in life. A curse because I want to feel somewhat normal and be accepted by the world with open arm, I may be too much of a dreamer, but Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best don’t judge people by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character, I’m going to say it a little different. Don’t judge me for who I am or what you think I am, but by the content of my character and my actions toward people, not solely on the fact that I am gay. Another hardship that I go through is, I have a lot of girls that are friends, and we sometimes hang out with a lot of boys. Some of the boys I like, but know that I will never have, it hurts me sometimes when I see those girls get the guy that I wanted it becomes like a broken record happening over and over again. I don’t feel sorry for myself so you shouldn’t either you should just try to help the world changes their views and become more tolerant of their gay neighbors, or the kid who sits in the back of the class silent because they don’t want to be ridiculed, our the millions of people who will be slaughter in the name of heterosexualism for something they have no control over.

FRIENDS INDEED

I am the fourth of eight children. My oldest sibling is six years older than me, and my youngest sibling is 11 years younger than me. My siblings and I have lived together most of our lives, but rarely ever had anything in common.

I remember as a child I could never go out with my older siblings, because the gap in age difference, and really had no interest in what my younger siblings were doing.

So I had to find friends. As a child in elementary school I was often teased and misunderstood. Other kids would call me names and tell me that I was switching as I walk, which lead to them calling me things like sissy, faggot, punks, and a list of other homophobic remarks I dare not mention. I would find solace and individuality in books, and other crafts offered by the teacher, or after school programs.

One time when I was in the third grade I paid a girl two dollars to be my friend for the whole day, and she did. I was happy for that, but came to realize that was making my self esteem even lower.

I grew up and went to middle school, and somewhere in the process I found power and happiness within myself, and began to stand up for myself. I decided that I would no longer take the abuse of my peers and learned how to love myself regardless of friends or not.

That's when I met Basilla Perez. Basilla was a very pretty Mexican girl. On the first day of English class I sat next to her, "Hi. I'm Lamar," I said to her.

"Hello I'm Basilla."

"Nice to meet you" we said in unison.

Basilla was like my first real friend ever. She made me feel normal when I knew that I wasn't. Basilla made me feel real, and really help me through the bad times in adolescents, she was my rock, and she was who understood me. My day to day criticism became something of the past. I guest since I had a female friend the speculations started to die down. Even though Basilla was not my girlfriend in an affectionate type of way, she still stood up for me like I was her boyfriend. Sometimes when people would say I was gay or something she would lie and say that we were dating so I couldn't be gay, and for that reason she was the first person I ever came out to in the eighth grade.

When I came out to her she never stop looking at me like I was a different person she just saw who I was before she knew. And that was really important to me I had a friend no matter what would be there for me for whatever I came to face. She made me realize all the people in the world were not bad. She opened my eyes up to new possibilities she gave me a chance to be me when society showed me solidarity and confusion, she was who gave me piece of mind.

I lost contact with Basilla a while ago, but wish everyday that she was still in my life. I would give a right arm just to tell her how much she helped me grow, and if I would have never met her in that sixth grade class. Then I would probably not be who I am today. Thank you, Basilla Perez.

Listen

I love to listen to music it makes me sane. I was telling a friend the other day, that music has really got me through some tough times in life. Without music I would probably be insane by now, the lyrics of some songs are so good that I can't listen to them sometimes because they make me cry.